Dear Mom and Dad,
In two days, I’ll be sixteen. A new chapter in my life begins, and as it does, I looked back on this past year and realized it was time to begin healing, to commence a fresh start. It was time to let my past be the past, and to let God erase the doubt, fear, and guilt that has consumed me. It was time to forgive you.
One of my favorite musicians, Owl City, recently came out with a new song called “This Isn’t The End,” telling the story of a young girl abandoned by her father and the journey she took to forgiveness. My favorite part goes like this:
“And over the years though the pain was real,
She finally forgave him and started to heal.
Love is confusing and life is hard,
You fight to survive when you made it this far.
This is just the beginning, this isn’t the end.”
When I heard it for the first time, I listened in shock. The lyrics were so heartfelt, and strangely, so true and meaningful to my own life. This past year was full of sadness and painful memories. But I firmly believe that God has placed a light at the end of every dark tunnel, one that will get brighter and clearer each day. This past year, I really began to struggle with post-adoption doubts and fears. My mind filled with questions about abandonment, questions that asked if you both really loved me, or cared about me at all.
But you know what?
No matter what the answers are, and I don’t think I’ll ever know them in this life, I will always love you. I am a mix of you both, in features, in emotions, and I can’t possibly hate the people who gave me life. You gave me a fighting chance in this world, and for that, Mom and Dad, I cannot thank you enough. God had a plan for my life as well as yours, and I will trust His timing. He has proved Himself over and over, time and time again, and I believe in Him with all my heart.
I find myself on the brink of a new year with the realization that I need to forgive. I need to forgive you for letting me go. Because the truth is: so much good and joy has come out of that decision.
I most likely will be crying my eyes out on Saturday, because at some point, a shattering force of memories will hit me like a truck. Sixteen years ago, you chose to give me life. You didn’t have to do that. You could’ve chosen to abort; to pretend like I never happened. But instead, you chose the fierce kind of love, the kind that sacrifices. Nobody ever would have guessed I’d be blessed enough to travel halfway around the globe from China to live in America. God is so good.
Although I may never meet you in this life, Mom and Dad, I love you. I forgive you. Thank you for choosing the best kind of love: fierce and sacrificial. I think it’s time to let the healing begin, because, as the song goes, “It’s all too astounding to comprehend...this is just the beginning, this isn’t the end.”